A horrific accident occurred yesterday afternoon at a local strawberry patch. A Drivelling Loude–a tiny red insect employed to protect berries from predators–had accidentally become enraged due to smelling Big Boy’s cologne. Unbeknownst to Mr. Boy, the active compounds in his new cologne, Fresh Boy (TM), bear a striking resemblance to the pheromones of the Loude’s natural antagonist, the Icy Larn. Thus it was that a trace of the volatile compounds from Mr. Boy’s sweet skin passed into the slits of some Drivelling Loudes, causing them to pass the signal of danger to the entire hive.
Sensing a threat, the colony soon mobilized towards Big Boy and his wife, Big Girl, while the unsuspecting pair was out on holiday picking strawberries at McGoot’s Berry Patch. According to testimony from nearby observers, thousands of the Loudes branched together to form a large blade with the edge of their pincers, neatly decapitating Big Boy. Big Boy’s head landed in a basket of just-picked strawberries.
“Never have I seen something like this in my 59 years as a berry farmer,”
said the defensive Mr. McGoot.
“Certainly, it is a tragedy, but the use of Drivelling Loudes is a well-established practice in berry farming, and they have been judged as harmless helpers by the USDA.”
“We see this type of behavior occasionally occurring in certain members of the Loude species and subspecies,” said Professor K. Horacios, an expert in Loude physiology and ecology at the University of Delft.
“It is exceedingly rare, but, once mobilized, the hive follows strict auto-commands. There have only been two recorded cases of unprovoked attacks against humans of this caliber, once in Zimbabwe in 1948, and the other in Antarctica, in 1983.”
“Blimey, what was a Drivelling Loude hive doing in Antarctica?” mused the professor, as he puffed on his pipe.
There was no word yet on whether authorities expected to press charges against Mr. McGoot.
Ms. Girl could not be reached for comment.
psychanaut 